I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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