I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
