so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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