Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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