Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
