Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
