Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
