Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
