even my farts smell like vagina
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
