remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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