were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
