oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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