Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
