I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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