YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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