Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
