sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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