I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
