Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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