just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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