i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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