I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
