Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
