I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
