For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
