Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
