After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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