how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
