we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
