Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
God, I missed his penis.
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