u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
