i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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