Ambien. No doubt about it.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
