He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
