I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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