My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
