just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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