Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
