I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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