Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize