highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
