so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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