you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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