so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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