dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
