You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
