Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize