Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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