I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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