He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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