I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
