last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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