kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
