the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
