I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
