Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
