I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
