so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
